So I’ve been pretty mope-tastic lately. So many of my classmates are getting interviews or calls… and I suppose in most cases it’s kind of like when you’re not in a relationship and all of your friends are getting married, and you look around and think, “Well, I wouldn’t necessarily want to marry any of those guys anyway,” but you’re still kind of bummed about the fact that they get to go try on dresses and eat free cake samples while you have to go see Hesher all by yourself.
(I’m joking. Of course I want to see Hesher by myself! Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks pretty darn good as a metal guy. I digress.)
Anyway. It feels like Arcata outside today, all rainy and cloudy and there’s no point in straightening my hair. I finished my last homework assignments for the semester yesterday, and I have two weeks until graduation and the start of my summer class, which leaves me with plenty of time to do one of two things:
1. Sit around and freak out some more about things I can’t control in between wasting time on the Interwebs.
2. Read some of those books I haven’t had time to read for the last 13-14 weeks (or the last 4 years). Get my résumé together and get on Craigslist (y’know, just in case). Stop isolating all the time and engage in the kinds of normal social interactions that most people, myself included, find life-giving and worthwhile. And still have plenty of time left over to waste on the Interwebs.
There are glittering shards of light and grace peeking through the clouds. They force their way through and poke me on the shoulder and say, “Hey you! Yes, you! We know that you’re determined to be all mopey, but we’d like to remind you that God exists and loves you, that many, many people give a damn about you, and that you are more than capable of injecting something good into the universe if only you’d get off the pity pot and stop worrying about what’s going to happen several months from now. Because God is on it. He really is. So seriously, check this out…”
(I have really verbose and kind of aggressive shards of light and grace, don’t I? I'm also a little annoyed that they use the expression "Get off the pity pot." I hate that expression. Anyway.)
Like there was this kid at the post office pretending his sleeve was a bow and arrow. And he pointed the “bow” and “shot” me, so I pretended I was hit and clutched my chest and made a pained expression. Three times.
Because it’s so crucial to play, even when everything feels like a job. Maybe especially then.
And I listened to the new Beastie Boys album and I felt like I was 18 all over again, and everything was possible and I wasn’t so cynical or jealous or suspicious. And I wanted to dance like I did back then, alive and electric in every inch of my body, free and flowing and not caring what it looked like because it felt good.
Because it’s so crucial to dance, even when it’s hard to really hear the music of life. Maybe especially then.
And someone said the most amazing and encouraging things that were exactly what I needed to hear, which was so good because I’ve felt so let down lately. And the fact that I didn’t even really want to be there and I wasn’t even expecting to be lifted up made it that much sweeter.
Because it’s so crucial to hear the truth about who you really are, even when you’re in the depths of convincing yourself of the lie. Maybe especially then.
And I found out there is a huge picture of me on the back cover of The Story magazine, which is completely random and weird and I had no idea they were going to do that. And I don’t have any profound nugget of insight about that… but it’s not a bad picture and hey, now I can technically say I've been on the cover of a magazine, so that’s not the least-cool thing to ever happen, right?
And a random quote that I posted on tumblr from Motley Crue’s truly excellent autobiography The Dirt got reblogged 27 times in the last few hours, so that’s pretty rad, too.
All this is to say that I am continually reminded of how much light and grace there is in the world, even when I insist on wallowing in the dark.
I am urged into joy despite my willingness to hang out in the land of boring and bleak.
I am touched to the core of my soul by other people despite my tendency to isolate more than I should.
And I am convinced that there is a reality beyond what we see in front of our faces, beyond what we tell ourselves about ourselves and each other, beyond our ability to conceive or wonder or imagine.
And it is revealing itself to us one glittering shard of light and grace at a time.
And someday we will wake up drenched in it and wonder how we missed it for so long when we were swimming around in it the whole time.
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